Apathy vs Trust

When a our trust in others is challenged, quite often we say it doesn't bother us or that we aren't affected. In fact, we are affected but we make an effort to not react to preserve the perception that we trust others to make the right decision. On it's surface there doesn't appear to be a problem because it does help us restrain from publicly questioning our trust in the other person. This could be preserved as hurtful and certainly that could be damaging. However, this is not real trust. Real trust is reacting to our fear by reassuring ourselves that our friends and significant others will make good choices. This sort of trust is the stuff that real relationships are made of because no relationship can flourish in an apathetic environment.

Of course, the practice of this is far more difficult than just observing the facts. The most obvious line of defense against apathetic "trust" is open communication. However, paranoia doesn't fester between persons, it is a wholly internal dilemma and the product of repetitive reinforcement of inaccurate perceptions. Trust and faith are closely related, if not synonymous, and require regular nourishment to grow. This means positive reinforcement self-talk whenever possible and the immediate interception of the involuntary negative self-talk that plagues those of us who struggle with trust issues. This sort of social paranoia creates an artificial reality that alters how we view the rest of the world, often distorting our perception beyond recognition. Faith in those around us is often blind trust that is necessary to overcome the crippling fear of being hurt, even if that fear is rooted in real life experience. Only then can effective communication reinforce our faith.

Trust must come first. It won't always be safe and it won't always be easy. But trust in others is as necessary for a whole and rich life as the air we breath. It is the lifeblood of relationships.

When life sucks...

DISCLAIMER: I'm not normally one for self-help crap, overly oozy positive mumbo-jumbo, or any other "warm and fuzzy" style of writing. So I'm going to preface this by saying I still drink beer (and bourbon when I feel like it), I still drive too fast and scare my passengers, and generally like to raise whatever kind of hell is handy. But to balance that, I've found the following perspective to be quite helpful.

Stress, tension, depression, panic, and anxiety all inhibit positive change. They produce a chemical reaction that reduces the body's ability to think creatively and limit reactions to base instinct and pre-existing habits. When this happens, we are reduced to our weakest states and not left with many assets to handle situations properly. This doesn't mean those challenges have to be eradicated. Which is good because that is impossible. Stressful situations that cause anxiety or circumstances that leave us feeling weak and insecure are going to happen due to circumstances beyond our control. However, the instincts and habits that we resort to in those times of challenge must be changed so that we react in a positive and constructive manner. This is the greatest personal struggle of all: To be our best under the worst of circumstances.

To accomplish this, we must be keenly aware of our weaknesses and also the self-talk that perpetuates negative emotions and reactions. When this process is sparked, it is crucial to interrupt at quickly as possible and replace that negative input with something positive. Often this can be as simple as seeking support from a person we trust to be supportive. When that support is not available, the challenge becomes much tougher. Writing in a journal (or...maybe a blog...) can help since it forces us to be more cognitive of our thought process and that can often filter any toxic issues we might be dealing with. Depression is often a side-effect of stress and anxiety and can radically reduce our ability to handle situations appropriately because it drains us of our motivation to do anything. Lacking the motivation to improve our condition, we are prone to spiraling downwards.

This is why a healthy lifestyle is so important. Living healthy (spiritually, emotionally, and physically) provides us with something to fall back on when life gets challenging. This means having healthy outlets that stimulate our minds and bodies, directly counteracting the physiological effects of depression. For stress and anxiety, our body reacts by releasing chemicals that can be burned off with physical activity. Healthy foods help bolster our physiological chemistry against depression, mood swings, and panic attacks. When stress hits, an unhealthy diet leaves us less equipped to react appropriately. In the instances when eating well and staying active is not enough, there is no shame in consulting a physician to explore the possibility of a stronger chemical solution.

This isn't some push for gym memberships or strenuous physical activity. Everybody's chemistry is different and for some an hour of yoga once of week might be all they need. During times of intense stress, anxiety, or depression a more aggressive program might be required. However, it's important to note that the habitual maintenance of these activities are what will provide us with the strength and presence of mind to deal with life when it challenges us.

For me, lucky guy that I am, my physical body and mental health are very closely related and I find I really need pretty intense mental and physical regimes to stay at the top of my game. This means intellectual stimulation by reading stuff that inspires analytic and free-form thought, artistic inputs that impress (music), physical activity (I go rock-climbing once a week and I'm in a gym at least a couple times a week), healthy diet (LOTS of things I do here since I love to cook), and regular social interaction to make sure I don't get overly absorbed in my own thoughts.

The Dance

I'm cooking up a blog on humility that'll have to wait until next week because this weekend, I learned how to dance and I feel like it's important enough to write about while the experience is fresh.

For a long time, I've loved dancing but been too self-conscious to really enjoy it in public. In my room, with my stereo blasting, it's hard not to. If you've ever seen me play guitar on stage, music is something that I can't help but physically react to. This past New Year's though, I went dancing with a girl I was seeing at the time and I committed myself to having fun and not worrying about what other people thought. And then I realized that my worst critic was not how other people looked at me, it was how I looked at me. I felt that my steps lacked grace. They were twitchy and contrived. As the evening wore on and I began to relax more, my movements became more fluid.

I still look like a chicken with a seizure, but the metaphor led me to a much greater realization that really took hold this weekend and reminded me of the sensation I got when I took salsa lessons this past fall. The world twists under our feet when we least expect it, shaking our core and throwing us off balance. This can leave us with a sensation that literally feels like we're falling. Or being crushed under an enormous weight. I felt both sensations very intensely this weekend and at a loss for relief, I imagined myself dancing.

(The key here is imagination...)

When I imagine dancing, I am graceful and fluid. I am balanced and innovative. I move in unison with the rhythm and feel the music pulse through every limb. I happened to be on the 6th floor of the Drake and looking out over Chicago, I danced through every intersection and off every wall. Soon, my balance had returned and while the stress and anxiety still ached, I was armed to deal with it, face it, and dance. To move with fluid motions means not acting impulsively because impulsive actions resemble the twitchy, stiff movements that are not musical or beautiful. But this does not rule out improvisation, instead it provides a more effective way to improvise without acting thoughtlessly. When I am dancing, even in my imagination, I am untouchable. I float over whatever has shaken my balance and I am freed of the stress and panic of the moment. I am more me because I can think more clearly.

Vows

I've seen this quote from Marilyn Monroe pop up recently on Facebook:

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”
― Marilyn Monroe

This has kinda struck a nerve with me because I make a conscious effort to be someone that people can trust and I know I'm not the only one. So I started thinking about promises and I've decided we need to take more oaths and vows. I think there's an important distinction to make between your average run-of-the-mill promise and a vow. With a vow, there is typically some sort of ceremony. What's the value of ceremony? It burns the promise into your mind. Your being is branded with the promise. Breaking a vow cannot be done out of habit or accident. The ceremony of the vow prevents this. The ceremony elevates the vow from a simple "Sure, I can do that" to "This is important to me so as to rival life itself". Not something to be taken lightly whatsoever...

But why is such an oath so intimidating? Certainly it should be, but I think even making promises is becoming so terrifying that people avoid it. A commitment should be kept no matter how small. That way, when an oath is necessary the value of trust and the importance of steadfastness are not alien.

Like anything else, this takes practice. It means honesty has to be a way of life. It means even the smallest promises have to have great value. It means acknowledging that "little white lies" may not affect others, but they DO affect how well you can trust others AND your ability to keep promises. Trust can't be compartmentalized. Every dishonest action numbs a person's ability to trust and erodes their ability to be trusted.

If you feel that you cannot trust anyone, you must first make sure that you yourself can be trusted. And then maybe it's time to find some new friends...

When things are not as they seem...

How many times have you thought about something differently after being convinced that you had it figured out only to learn something new or gain some insight that you lacked before?

The truth is always there. But it can often be difficult to see past the "truth" we're convinced we're right about. I've worked on numerous projects at my job in the hope of simplifying a complicated process. Often the most effective solution comes from someone with the fewest preconceived notions about the process. You might even say they don't know anything about what they're talking about. This makes them priceless. They know they don't know and so they look for solutions everywhere. They examine every connection. They are learning about it for the first time and take nothing for granted. It's sort of like looking for something you've lost. You've looked everywhere that makes sense (including the last place you think you had it) but you still haven't found it. This means it's somewhere that doesn't make sense. Which means you're going to have to look everywhere, not just the obvious places.

For someone like me, this is incredibly difficult because I think in patterns. I tend to gain new insight by seeking new patterns. Trying to think outside the box requires thinking beyond the pattern, often trying to ignore any existing patterns completely so as to avoid distraction. This is how novel ideas are born and how new patterns are discovered. Letting go of these patterns and "free thinking" is an extremely difficult process for me but I've learned that listening very carefully and very patiently effectively turns off my "analyze" function long enough to absorb something new.

To be empowered by knowledge instead of crippled by it is truly an incredible skill, well worth pursuing.

More thoughts on Love

I recently (this past Saturday) read The Jeweler's Shop. It's not prose, strictly speaking, but it's best to just read it without trying to fit it in some preconceived concept of "poetry" or "theater".

Read it, it's good.

I've spent the last few days reflecting on the book and I think a recurring concept is finally sinking in. Each of the couples talks about absorbing their lover in an incredibly intimate way. Of course the traditional marital concept of two persons becoming one is also reiterated several times but this idea of absorption is something far more...descriptive. This concept of complete integration is further expounded when a struggling wife talks about feeling like her husband has become lax in his attempts to woo her.

Woo? Doesn't that stop at marriage?

This was another moment in reading this book where something very important clicked into place for me. While at first, one might think that once married, a couple has accomplished something that does not require further cooperation or work. Or perhaps even more dangerously, that "love" takes on it's own momentum and is somehow purely kinetic. Give it a good push when you say "I do" and it'll take care of the rest on it's own.

Of course, the other possible reaction is to say "Of course not". Indeed, it is not but the implication of this untruth is so much more than just "not true". It means that whatever was worth doing to earn your lover's affection is exponentially related to what is worth doing each subsequent day. Saying "I do" is merely the promise of cultivating that love for the rest of your life, not just "Sure, why not".

And to say that it is "merely" a promise does not diminish the value of that commitment, instead it emphasizes the extent to which that bond should grow. It is very likely the greatest commitment one can make. But a commitment is just a promise, not fulfillment. A promise without fulfillment is merely words arranged conveniently. And so saying "I do" is merely a promise until it is fulfilled. And that is why love must grow each day. Each day that it doesn't is a violation of that marital promise. Whatever was worth earning a person's affection at the start pales in comparison to the value of the relationship after "I do". Marriage is the dissolution of self into a new composition that includes another human being. The elements of each are mixed and reconstituted as something new.

But that means true love isn't a 50/50 relationship. Sure, you can approach marriage as a 50/50 relationship but you'll have less than half the love and passion that is possible.

If the gift of self is truly at the core of intimacy, it is imperative to prepare that gift even before you know to whom you will give it. Not for any spiritual or moral reason. The far simpler reason is that it takes time to cultivate. If you intend to give yourself completely to another, you ought to be able to understand yourself well enough to know what you're offering.

Of course, there is another way to think of this. Imagine offering yourself to another, blending with them, absorbing them and letting them absorb you. Letting go of any distrust or fear. Powering the relationship on Love and intense desire. Offering little sacrifices simply out of love and without consideration for yourself because you value them more than you value your own comfort.

Now, imagine that some key prerequisite had been overlooked in the name of passion or desire. Maybe there's a hidden susceptibility for unpredictable mood swings. Or maybe conflict resolution skills haven't been developed. Or perhaps the importance of responsibility wasn't fully developed.

The the inherent pain of withdrawing from this sort of Love cannot be overstated. It is deep and abiding. The emotions connected with pursuing a relationship once all ability to sustain it has been exhausted is torturous and even upon its conclusion, the pain of separation must still be dealt with. Despair and depression are the body's natural reaction to this sort of loss, just as naturally as bleeding from a cut. The more Love and effort that was put into the relationship, the more severe the "bleeding" will be. Think about it, if Love is the fusion of two hearts, the breaking of that love is like ripping your own heart out of your chest.

Love can save a soul. Love can heal. Truly, love is the greatest emotion a person is capable of. But the world has a way of correlating great power with great consequences for its misuse and reckless love can be every bit as terrible as it is breathtaking and beautiful. So if the incentive to experience true and lasting intimacy is not incentive enough to justify its pursuit, bear in mind the risks of settling for something less.

Meyers-Briggs, Vices, and Virtues

Usually I stumble over random car parts in my garage but every so often I stumble on something a bit more valuable. The team I work with recently took the Meyers-Briggs test and we reviewed what all that meant. One of the things our material discussed was that certain personality types have different communication needs and for effective communication those needs have to be addressed. Since communication is two-way, those needs have to be met in the middle somewhere. That's cool...but what was really fascinating to me was how the test explained strengths and weaknesses. According to most interpretations of this psychological profile, strengths and weaknesses are closely related. Most weakness are a perversion of one of that profile's strengths. I'm an ENTJ so using my own profile as an example, this link show exactly what I mean. If you know me well, you'll probably laugh. If you know me really well, you might NOT laugh...

http://www.personalitypage.com/html/ENTJ_rel.html

Then it occured to me, if a strength is the result of a cultivated weakness, and a weakness is the perversion of a strength, then a person could really grow by identifying their strengths and using them to augment their attempts to develop their weak areas. Take an ENTJ for example, they may not always be able to empathize with others. But one thing that an ENTJ is very good at is strategizing and planning and following through on execution. So one possible approach would be to acknowledge the weakness, identify good sources of information on developing an appreciation for the feelings of others and put that plan into action. Obviously part that process would include setting aside the analytical mind that ENTJ's are notorious for and developing a more receptive

As I gave this idea more thought, I hit on something even greater. What might the implications be for the applying this theory outside Meyers-Briggs profiles? What if our greatest temptations, our greatest moral weaknesses, were a perversion of our greatest gifts? What if greed was really a perversion of generosity? Lust really a perversion of true passion and love? Hate really a perversion of compassion and understanding?

Now THAT is a concept worth thinking about...Perhaps those people who are "cursed" with seemingly impossible personal struggles have the potential to turn those weakness into something truly awesome. I started looking at my own life and saw exactly that. The areas that I struggle with the most at times were at other times where I excelled. Sometimes I think we get too caught up with a weakness and we forget what we are good at and naturally as a result we don't consider how that strength could help us overcome that weakness. I'm pretty sure most people I know could name a handful of deadly sins but I'm not so sure they could name an equal number of virtues, much less explain them. I would have to say that I can't exclude myself from that group either. But it's hard to overcome a weakness that possesses your consciousness. It can also be nearly impossible to ignore once you are aware of it. I think it's possible to develop a more authoritative and intimate knowledge of the equivalent virtue, ultimately giving the ability to fight back when weakness threatens to take over.

That's really the core of this I suppose. You have to empower yourself with knowledge of good before you can really expect to grow out of weakness. And you must know your weakness before you can turn it into strength.