Vows

I've seen this quote from Marilyn Monroe pop up recently on Facebook:

“I believe that everything happens for a reason. People change so that you can learn to let go, things go wrong so that you appreciate them when they're right, you believe lies so you eventually learn to trust no one but yourself, and sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together.”
― Marilyn Monroe

This has kinda struck a nerve with me because I make a conscious effort to be someone that people can trust and I know I'm not the only one. So I started thinking about promises and I've decided we need to take more oaths and vows. I think there's an important distinction to make between your average run-of-the-mill promise and a vow. With a vow, there is typically some sort of ceremony. What's the value of ceremony? It burns the promise into your mind. Your being is branded with the promise. Breaking a vow cannot be done out of habit or accident. The ceremony of the vow prevents this. The ceremony elevates the vow from a simple "Sure, I can do that" to "This is important to me so as to rival life itself". Not something to be taken lightly whatsoever...

But why is such an oath so intimidating? Certainly it should be, but I think even making promises is becoming so terrifying that people avoid it. A commitment should be kept no matter how small. That way, when an oath is necessary the value of trust and the importance of steadfastness are not alien.

Like anything else, this takes practice. It means honesty has to be a way of life. It means even the smallest promises have to have great value. It means acknowledging that "little white lies" may not affect others, but they DO affect how well you can trust others AND your ability to keep promises. Trust can't be compartmentalized. Every dishonest action numbs a person's ability to trust and erodes their ability to be trusted.

If you feel that you cannot trust anyone, you must first make sure that you yourself can be trusted. And then maybe it's time to find some new friends...

When things are not as they seem...

How many times have you thought about something differently after being convinced that you had it figured out only to learn something new or gain some insight that you lacked before?

The truth is always there. But it can often be difficult to see past the "truth" we're convinced we're right about. I've worked on numerous projects at my job in the hope of simplifying a complicated process. Often the most effective solution comes from someone with the fewest preconceived notions about the process. You might even say they don't know anything about what they're talking about. This makes them priceless. They know they don't know and so they look for solutions everywhere. They examine every connection. They are learning about it for the first time and take nothing for granted. It's sort of like looking for something you've lost. You've looked everywhere that makes sense (including the last place you think you had it) but you still haven't found it. This means it's somewhere that doesn't make sense. Which means you're going to have to look everywhere, not just the obvious places.

For someone like me, this is incredibly difficult because I think in patterns. I tend to gain new insight by seeking new patterns. Trying to think outside the box requires thinking beyond the pattern, often trying to ignore any existing patterns completely so as to avoid distraction. This is how novel ideas are born and how new patterns are discovered. Letting go of these patterns and "free thinking" is an extremely difficult process for me but I've learned that listening very carefully and very patiently effectively turns off my "analyze" function long enough to absorb something new.

To be empowered by knowledge instead of crippled by it is truly an incredible skill, well worth pursuing.

More thoughts on Love

I recently (this past Saturday) read The Jeweler's Shop. It's not prose, strictly speaking, but it's best to just read it without trying to fit it in some preconceived concept of "poetry" or "theater".

Read it, it's good.

I've spent the last few days reflecting on the book and I think a recurring concept is finally sinking in. Each of the couples talks about absorbing their lover in an incredibly intimate way. Of course the traditional marital concept of two persons becoming one is also reiterated several times but this idea of absorption is something far more...descriptive. This concept of complete integration is further expounded when a struggling wife talks about feeling like her husband has become lax in his attempts to woo her.

Woo? Doesn't that stop at marriage?

This was another moment in reading this book where something very important clicked into place for me. While at first, one might think that once married, a couple has accomplished something that does not require further cooperation or work. Or perhaps even more dangerously, that "love" takes on it's own momentum and is somehow purely kinetic. Give it a good push when you say "I do" and it'll take care of the rest on it's own.

Of course, the other possible reaction is to say "Of course not". Indeed, it is not but the implication of this untruth is so much more than just "not true". It means that whatever was worth doing to earn your lover's affection is exponentially related to what is worth doing each subsequent day. Saying "I do" is merely the promise of cultivating that love for the rest of your life, not just "Sure, why not".

And to say that it is "merely" a promise does not diminish the value of that commitment, instead it emphasizes the extent to which that bond should grow. It is very likely the greatest commitment one can make. But a commitment is just a promise, not fulfillment. A promise without fulfillment is merely words arranged conveniently. And so saying "I do" is merely a promise until it is fulfilled. And that is why love must grow each day. Each day that it doesn't is a violation of that marital promise. Whatever was worth earning a person's affection at the start pales in comparison to the value of the relationship after "I do". Marriage is the dissolution of self into a new composition that includes another human being. The elements of each are mixed and reconstituted as something new.

But that means true love isn't a 50/50 relationship. Sure, you can approach marriage as a 50/50 relationship but you'll have less than half the love and passion that is possible.

If the gift of self is truly at the core of intimacy, it is imperative to prepare that gift even before you know to whom you will give it. Not for any spiritual or moral reason. The far simpler reason is that it takes time to cultivate. If you intend to give yourself completely to another, you ought to be able to understand yourself well enough to know what you're offering.

Of course, there is another way to think of this. Imagine offering yourself to another, blending with them, absorbing them and letting them absorb you. Letting go of any distrust or fear. Powering the relationship on Love and intense desire. Offering little sacrifices simply out of love and without consideration for yourself because you value them more than you value your own comfort.

Now, imagine that some key prerequisite had been overlooked in the name of passion or desire. Maybe there's a hidden susceptibility for unpredictable mood swings. Or maybe conflict resolution skills haven't been developed. Or perhaps the importance of responsibility wasn't fully developed.

The the inherent pain of withdrawing from this sort of Love cannot be overstated. It is deep and abiding. The emotions connected with pursuing a relationship once all ability to sustain it has been exhausted is torturous and even upon its conclusion, the pain of separation must still be dealt with. Despair and depression are the body's natural reaction to this sort of loss, just as naturally as bleeding from a cut. The more Love and effort that was put into the relationship, the more severe the "bleeding" will be. Think about it, if Love is the fusion of two hearts, the breaking of that love is like ripping your own heart out of your chest.

Love can save a soul. Love can heal. Truly, love is the greatest emotion a person is capable of. But the world has a way of correlating great power with great consequences for its misuse and reckless love can be every bit as terrible as it is breathtaking and beautiful. So if the incentive to experience true and lasting intimacy is not incentive enough to justify its pursuit, bear in mind the risks of settling for something less.