More thoughts on Love

I recently (this past Saturday) read The Jeweler's Shop. It's not prose, strictly speaking, but it's best to just read it without trying to fit it in some preconceived concept of "poetry" or "theater".

Read it, it's good.

I've spent the last few days reflecting on the book and I think a recurring concept is finally sinking in. Each of the couples talks about absorbing their lover in an incredibly intimate way. Of course the traditional marital concept of two persons becoming one is also reiterated several times but this idea of absorption is something far more...descriptive. This concept of complete integration is further expounded when a struggling wife talks about feeling like her husband has become lax in his attempts to woo her.

Woo? Doesn't that stop at marriage?

This was another moment in reading this book where something very important clicked into place for me. While at first, one might think that once married, a couple has accomplished something that does not require further cooperation or work. Or perhaps even more dangerously, that "love" takes on it's own momentum and is somehow purely kinetic. Give it a good push when you say "I do" and it'll take care of the rest on it's own.

Of course, the other possible reaction is to say "Of course not". Indeed, it is not but the implication of this untruth is so much more than just "not true". It means that whatever was worth doing to earn your lover's affection is exponentially related to what is worth doing each subsequent day. Saying "I do" is merely the promise of cultivating that love for the rest of your life, not just "Sure, why not".

And to say that it is "merely" a promise does not diminish the value of that commitment, instead it emphasizes the extent to which that bond should grow. It is very likely the greatest commitment one can make. But a commitment is just a promise, not fulfillment. A promise without fulfillment is merely words arranged conveniently. And so saying "I do" is merely a promise until it is fulfilled. And that is why love must grow each day. Each day that it doesn't is a violation of that marital promise. Whatever was worth earning a person's affection at the start pales in comparison to the value of the relationship after "I do". Marriage is the dissolution of self into a new composition that includes another human being. The elements of each are mixed and reconstituted as something new.

But that means true love isn't a 50/50 relationship. Sure, you can approach marriage as a 50/50 relationship but you'll have less than half the love and passion that is possible.

If the gift of self is truly at the core of intimacy, it is imperative to prepare that gift even before you know to whom you will give it. Not for any spiritual or moral reason. The far simpler reason is that it takes time to cultivate. If you intend to give yourself completely to another, you ought to be able to understand yourself well enough to know what you're offering.

Of course, there is another way to think of this. Imagine offering yourself to another, blending with them, absorbing them and letting them absorb you. Letting go of any distrust or fear. Powering the relationship on Love and intense desire. Offering little sacrifices simply out of love and without consideration for yourself because you value them more than you value your own comfort.

Now, imagine that some key prerequisite had been overlooked in the name of passion or desire. Maybe there's a hidden susceptibility for unpredictable mood swings. Or maybe conflict resolution skills haven't been developed. Or perhaps the importance of responsibility wasn't fully developed.

The the inherent pain of withdrawing from this sort of Love cannot be overstated. It is deep and abiding. The emotions connected with pursuing a relationship once all ability to sustain it has been exhausted is torturous and even upon its conclusion, the pain of separation must still be dealt with. Despair and depression are the body's natural reaction to this sort of loss, just as naturally as bleeding from a cut. The more Love and effort that was put into the relationship, the more severe the "bleeding" will be. Think about it, if Love is the fusion of two hearts, the breaking of that love is like ripping your own heart out of your chest.

Love can save a soul. Love can heal. Truly, love is the greatest emotion a person is capable of. But the world has a way of correlating great power with great consequences for its misuse and reckless love can be every bit as terrible as it is breathtaking and beautiful. So if the incentive to experience true and lasting intimacy is not incentive enough to justify its pursuit, bear in mind the risks of settling for something less.